May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely from position. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have A different spot where American men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide Anyone a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to prevent employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In Trump Tower Damascus keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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